Navigating the Holidays: Setting Boundaries, Having Hard Conversations, and Staying Grounded
As the holiday season approaches, many of us are gearing up for family gatherings filled with laughter, delicious food, and a hefty dose of complexity. For queer, neurodivergent folks—and honestly, anyone who holds values of diversity, inclusion, and equity—holidays can sometimes feel like walking into a conversational minefield.
Maybe you’re bracing yourself for the relative who drops a casual microaggression during dinner, or the one who insists on airing their outdated opinions on gender, race, or politics. And if you’re like me, you’ve probably spent hours strategizing how to respond—or deciding if it’s even worth engaging.
Today, I want to share some tools and strategies to help you navigate these situations with integrity, connection, and self-compassion.
Let’s explore how to set boundaries, engage in meaningful conversations (or not), and stay grounded in the process.
1. Know Your Boundaries Before You Go
Boundaries are your best friend during the holidays. They’re not about being harsh or cutting people off; they’re about protecting your well-being so you can show up as your best self. They’re also a means of respecting your relationships by setting achievable parameters for them to stay healthy and productive.
Decide What’s Off-Limits: Spend some time reflecting on the conversations or behaviors you’re unwilling to tolerate. Whether it’s transphobic comments, racist jokes, or endless debates about your life choices, you have the right to say, “I’m not going there.”
Communicate in Advance: If you feel comfortable, let your family know your boundaries before the gathering. For example: “I’m excited to see everyone, but I’d appreciate it if we could avoid discussing politics or my personal life this year.”
Here’s a simple, non-confrontational line that could be helpful:
“I’m here to enjoy time with family, not to debate sensitive topics. Let’s keep things light and fun.”
2. When Conversations Get Tough, Stay Curious
Not every challenging conversation has to be a battle. Sometimes, leading with curiosity instead of defensiveness can open the door to connection—or at least help someone see a new perspective.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: If someone says something offensive, consider asking, “What makes you feel that way?” or “Where did you hear that?” These questions encourage reflection without immediately putting them on the defensive.
Share Your Experience: When it feels safe, a personal story can be more impactful than facts or arguments. For example: “As someone who’s queer, comments like that hurt because they dismiss my experience.”
It’s okay to let people dig their own holes too.
If someone makes a sweeping generalization, you can respond with something like:
“Wow, that’s a strong statement. Can you explain what you mean by that?”
3. Set Limits When You Need To
Sometimes, curiosity isn’t the right tool—especially if the conversation feels outright harmful or draining. In these moments, it’s okay to prioritize your emotional safety.
Short, Direct Responses:
Shut down the topic gracefully but firmly.
Try:
- “I’m not comfortable talking about that.”
- “Let’s change the subject.”
- “I’d rather focus on enjoying today.”
Disengage Completely: If the conversation is beyond repair, don’t be afraid to walk away.
Excuse yourself to get more pie, step outside for fresh air, or find an ally in the room who can support you.
Remember: Setting boundaries isn’t rude. It’s a form of self-respect.
4. Prioritize Your Well-Being
Navigating hard conversations can take a toll, even when you handle them with grace. That’s why self-care during the holidays is non-negotiable.
Regulate Your Nervous System: Before and during the gathering, use grounding techniques to stay calm. Take deep breaths, focus on your senses, or hold something tangible like a warm drink to help anchor yourself.
Plan an Escape Hatch: It’s okay to have an exit strategy if things get overwhelming. Let a trusted family member know you might need their support or plan to leave early if necessary.
Lean on Allies: If you have affirming family members or friends at the gathering, spend more time with them. Their presence can provide a buffer against challenging interactions.
One of my favorite affirmations in these moments is:
“I’m doing the best I can. It’s okay to prioritize my peace over someone else’s comfort.”
5. Decide If You Want to Engage—or Not
Not every comment deserves your energy.
There’s a difference between someone who’s open to learning and someone who’s just spoiling for a fight.
Use your judgment to decide when it’s worth engaging.
When to Engage: If the person seems genuinely curious or if the conversation feels like an opportunity for growth, go for it. Share your perspective, offer resources, and advocate for your values.
When to Disengage: If the person is being intentionally hurtful, dismissive, or closed-minded, save your energy. It’s not your job to educate everyone, especially at the expense of your well-being.
Here’s a line I often use when I decide not to engage:
“I see we’re not going to agree on this, so let’s move on.”
6. When All Else Fails, Reflect and Repair
Sometimes, even with the best intentions, conversations don’t go as planned.
Maybe you snapped when you wanted to stay calm, or maybe you left a comment unchallenged and now wish you’d spoken up.
That’s okay—perfection isn’t the goal.
After the gathering, take time to reflect on what went well and what didn’t.
If you feel it’s necessary, follow up with family members to clarify your stance or repair any misunderstandings.
For example:
“I’ve been thinking about our conversation, and I wanted to share why that topic feels important to me…”
Reflection is a powerful tool for growth, both for you and the people you interact with.
7. Remember the Bigger Picture
At the end of the day, holidays are about connection—whether that’s with family, chosen family, or yourself.
If certain relationships feel strained or unmanageable, give yourself permission to focus on the ones that bring you joy.
It’s also worth remembering that no single conversation will solve deeply rooted biases or family dynamics.
Change happens slowly, often over time, through consistent effort and small moments of understanding.
Your presence, your boundaries, and your values are part of that change—even if it’s not immediately visible.
Final Thoughts
Friends, the holidays can be hard, especially when navigating difficult conversations with loved ones.
But they’re also an opportunity to show up authentically, advocate for your values, and honor your well-being.
Whether you choose to engage, set firm boundaries, or simply prioritize your peace, you’re doing important work.
And if all else fails, remember: the mashed potatoes are worth it. 😉
From my family at Prism Integrated Health to yours, I hope you have a holiday season filled with connection, clarity, and care.
You’ve got this.
Additional Resources:
https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/civil-holiday-discussions
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-to-do-when-a-loved-one-is-racist-5225838
https://www.shondaland.com/live/family/a14429043/going-home-queer-holidays/