Handling Holiday Grief: Understanding and Coping with Loss During the Season
We often hear the holiday season described as “the most wonderful time of the year.”
Advertisements feature warm lighting, idyllic small towns, and smiling people bundled up with steaming hot beverages – their frosty breath mixing with fresh snow.
Mariah Carey runs on repeat and lives rent free in our heads.
During the holiday season, we feel like we should be happy.
But really, this time of year is stressful, complicated, bittersweet, and even heart wrenching.
For many, the holidays are a season that magnifies loss, loneliness, or longing for loved ones who are no longer here.
For others, this is a time when their inner child is scared, alone, jealous, or despairing.
Whether you’re grieving the loss of a person, a relationship, a significant life chapter – or even a past iteration of yourself, it’s important to acknowledge these feelings and learn to navigate them with compassion.
Let’s explore what grief is, how it shows up during the holidays, and practical ways to find peace during this season of contrasts.
Understanding Grief: The Foundation
Grief is a natural response to loss.
It’s not just about sadness; it’s a complex mix of emotions—anger, guilt, relief, or even numbness.
Grief also isn’t reserved solely for death.
It often arises after significant life transitions, such as divorce, moving away, or losing a job.
Whatever the cause, grief touches every part of our lives, influencing how we feel, think, and engage with the world.
One of the most well-known models of grief is Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, grief isn’t a tidy, linear process; in fact, it’s the exact opposite. I often visualize grief as the teacher’s thought bubble from Charlie Brown: a tangled mess of thoughts and feelings that come out as noise and with no real means of translation. In your actual grieving process, you might skip stages, revisit others, or experience emotions all at once. And that’s normal. Grief is deeply personal, shaped by your relationship with the loss and your support systems.
There are also different kinds of grief. For example, anticipatory grief happens when a loss is expected, like when caring for a terminally ill loved one. You feel the loss before it even happens, maybe trying to prepare for the pain and space that’s left, but there’s no real way to predict what that might be like.
Disenfranchised grief occurs when society doesn’t fully acknowledge your loss, such as the end of a friendship or a pet’s death; your loss is minimized or invalidated, and it takes longer for you to recover because it feels like you haven’t been fully seen. Recognizing these nuances can help you better understand your unique journey.
Holiday Grief: Why It Feels Different
The holiday season is its own emotional juggernaut.
It’s a time of heightened pressure—families coming together, traditions being upheld, roles being reverted into, and the expectation of constant joy and positivity.
But for those grieving, these expectations can clash with reality.
Triggers Everywhere
The sound of a favorite holiday song, the sight of an empty chair at the dinner table, a favorite food or special tradition. These cherished memories of shared love, safety, and connection can bring a wave of sadness. Holidays highlight absence in a way that ordinary days might not.
Societal Pressures
The holidays often feel like a performance. There’s pressure to attend every event, exchange every gift, and maintain a cheerful disposition. For someone grieving, this can feel overwhelming or even impossible.
Emotional Unpredictability
Grief isn’t linear, and neither are the holidays. You might feel okay one moment and overwhelmed the next. These emotional swings are a natural part of the process, and understanding this can help you give yourself grace if you need to change plans, make an emergency exit, or even have a sudden cry.
Practical Strategies for Navigating Holiday Grief
So how can we navigate this season while honoring our grief? Here are some strategies that have helped many of my clients and, honestly, me too.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
First and foremost, let yourself feel. Grief is not something you can simply “get over” or “move past.” It’s not an elf that gets shoved onto the highest shelf until it’s convenient to take it down again.
Grief is something that stays long past the loss; it travels with you wherever you go.
Allow yourself to experience the sadness, the anger, or even the moments of joy without judgment. These emotions are part of the healing process.
2. Modify Traditions
Sometimes, the usual holiday routines are too painful. It’s okay to let go of old traditions or create new ones. For example:
Light a candle in memory of your loved one.
Write them a letter and place it in a special ornament.
Donate to a cause they cared about in their honor.
Share your favorite memory of them with someone who will appreciate it.
Modify something you used to do together so that it’s something you can share with another person you love.
These small acts can help integrate your loss into the season while also honoring the person’s memory.
3. Set Boundaries
Not every invitation needs a “yes.”
If attending a party feels too overwhelming, it’s okay to decline.
And if you do attend, give yourself permission to leave early.
Communicating these boundaries ahead of time can reduce stress and help you feel more in control.
4. Practice Self-Care
Grief can deplete your emotional reserves, so prioritizing self-care is essential.
This might mean:
Sleeping more (grief is exhausting).
Wearing comfier clothes or having more sensory needs.
Feeling literal physical pain, and managing it with baths, massage, stretching, etc.
Scheduling downtime between events.
Engaging in activities that bring you calm, like yoga, meditation, crafting, or journaling.
Saying “no” to obligations that feel draining.
Plan aftercare activities that feel good and that you know will replenish your emotional reserves.
Remember, self-care isn’t selfish; it’s necessary.
5. Find a Support System
Grief can feel isolating, but you don’t have to sit in it alone. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide a listening ear and a compassionate presence. Joining a grief support group—online or in person—can also be a powerful reminder that you’re not alone in your feelings or experiences.
How to Support Someone Who is Grieving During the Holidays
Maybe you’re reading this because someone you care about is grieving.
Here’s how you can show up for them:
Listen, Don’t Fix: You don’t need the perfect words to comfort someone. Sometimes, the best thing you can say is, “I’m here for you.” Let them share memories, cry, or sit in silence without trying to “fix” their pain.
Offer Specific Help: Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” offer something tangible: “Can I pick up groceries for you?” or “Would you like me to join you for a quiet evening?” or “Can I clean your kitchen?”
Respect Their Process: Everyone grieves differently. Some might want to talk about their loss; others may not. Follow their lead and avoid pushing them to “move on.”
Finding Balance: Joy Amidst Sorrow
One of the most challenging parts of grieving during the holidays is allowing space for joy.
It’s common to feel guilty for smiling, laughing, or enjoying a moment when your heart is heavy.
But finding these small joys doesn’t diminish the importance of your loss—it’s a testament to your resilience.
Here’s a truth I share with my clients: Grief and joy can coexist; they often are opposite sides of the same coin.
You can hold the memory of your loved one close while also making new memories.
You can feel the ache of absence and the warmth of connection, all in the same breath. This duality is part of the human experience.
Embracing the Journey of Grief
Grief is not something we get over—it’s something we grow around.
The holidays will never look exactly the same after a loss. But with time, they can become a season of reflection and meaning rather than just pain.
Be gentle with yourself.
Grief is a marathon, not a sprint.
Lean on your support system, honor your loved ones in ways that feel meaningful, and allow moments of light to filter through the shadows.
Over time, the heaviness softens, and while the loss remains, so does the love—and that’s something worth celebrating.