Why Healthy Communication Isn’t Just for You & Your Partner

Well…Valentine’s Day is this week, so let’s talk about ADHD and relationships.

Specifically, ADHD and healthy communication in relationships.

Narrowed down just a tad more…ADHD and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as a vital and foundational keystone in all types of healthy relationships.

Now – navigating relationships can be a complex and delicate task for anyone, but for ADHDers, the challenge can feel uniquely daunting. 

Emotional impulsivity, rejection sensitivity, distractability and disorganization can all influence how interactions unfold—whether at work or in your personal life. 

Often, you feel like you’re bad at relationships.

It can become an identity cloak that you wear. 

“I don’t have social skills.”

“I don’t like people, so why even try.”

“I never know what to say, so everyone just feels awkward and no one talks to me.”

“I’m a bad communicator.”

 As my kids would say: it turns you into a baddie.

However, by using positive psychology and growth mindset, and by working on specific communication skills, you can turn that interpersonal frown upside down.

There’s one specific skill that stands out as transformative in this process: nonviolent communication (NVC).

Nonviolent communication is a method of expressing yourself in a way that fosters connection, empathy, and understanding. Rooted in compassion and clarity, NVC provides ADHD folks with tools to navigate misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and cultivate meaningful relationships—both personally and professionally.

In this blog, we’ll explore why nonviolent communication is essential for ADHD professionals and how to integrate this practice into your daily interactions.

What Is Nonviolent Communication?

Nonviolent communication, developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, focuses on four key components:

1. Observation: Clearly stating what you see or hear without assigning blame or judgment.

   • Example: “I’m noticing…” or “it seems like…” 

2. Feelings: Expressing your emotions without placing responsibility for them on others.

   • Example: “When this happens, I feel _______”

3. Needs: Identifying and articulating what you need in the situation.

   • Example: “I need _____ to be different”

4. Requests: Making clear, actionable, and respectful requests to meet your needs.

   • Example: “There are lots of ways to make that change, but I think the best way would be _______”

Hot Take: Notice that this framework avoids using YOU when talking with the other party. By centering your observations, your experience, your needs, and your suggested plan of action, you are taking full responsibility for your portion of the interaction – thus eliminating the opportunity for misplace blame or a breach or trust.

This framework encourages dialogue rooted in mutual respect, enabling deeper connections and reducing the likelihood of conflict.

(It also can aid in resolving current or past conflicts.)

1. Nonviolent Communication Mitigates Emotional Reactivity

ADHDers often experience heightened emotional reactivity, especially in high-stress or conflict-driven situations. 

Your system gets flooded with stress hormones and one of three things can happen:

1. Fight: you pop off and impulsively say something you regret

2. Flight: you avoid further interactions, and resentment and anger start to build

3. Fawn: you maintain the status quo, your needs continue going unmet, and you find yourself at anger and resentment

Really, NVC is most effective at helping mitigate harm or conflict if you tend toward emotional impulsivity in stressful or heightened situations.

However, it also can be useful for folks who tend toward Freeze and Fawn responses because it provides the safety of a structured and predictable conversation.

• Why NVC Helps: Nonviolent communication provides a structured way to pause and process emotions before responding. By focusing on observations and feelings, it helps you express your emotions constructively rather than reactively.

• Example: Instead of saying, “You’re always dismissing my ideas in meetings,” you might say, “When my ideas aren’t acknowledged in meetings, I feel frustrated because I value collaboration.”

Supporting Evidence: Studies published in Psychological Science highlight that structured communication techniques like NVC reduce emotional escalation in interpersonal conflicts.

2. NVC Builds Empathy and Understanding

Empathy is the foundation of meaningful and stable relationships.

However, ADHD-related challenges such as impulsivity, internal rumination, and distractibility can make it difficult to fully tune into others’ emotions and perspectives.

And often, the discomfort of holding space for someone else’s feelings can be enough to make you stop paying attention to what they’re trying to communicate.

According to dictionary.com, the definition of empathy is: “the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the emotions, thoughts, or attitudes of another”…

So basically, empathy helps you relate with someone by being attuned enough to their experience that you can understand why they’re feeling the way they do. (You don’t have to agree, but it provides you with additional perspective.)

• Why NVC Helps: NVC encourages you to actively listen and respond with empathy, helping others feel seen and understood. This deepens trust and connection in relationships.

• Example: When a colleague expresses frustration about a missed deadline, respond with empathy: “I hear that you’re upset about the delay. Deadlines are important to you, and I’d like to work on ensuring this doesn’t happen again. Here’s what I’m going to do to be more accountable…”

Supporting Evidence: Research from the Journal of Communication shows that empathetic responses significantly improve workplace collaboration and morale because they neutrally acknowledge and validate everyone’s feelings while also maintaining your own POV and boundaries.

3. NVC Resolves Workplace Conflicts Effectively

Conflict in professional settings can derail productivity and damage relationships, especially if miscommunication or emotional outbursts occur.

• Why NVC Helps: NVC turns conflict into an opportunity for collaboration by focusing on shared needs and respectful requests. It shifts the focus from blame to problem-solving.

• Example: Instead of saying, “You’re making my job harder by not pulling your weight,” reframe with NVC: “When tasks aren’t evenly distributed, I feel overwhelmed because I need clarity about our roles. Can we discuss how to divide responsibilities more evenly?”

Supporting Evidence: A Harvard Business Review study found that conflict resolution strategies rooted in mutual understanding lead to more effective teamwork and higher employee satisfaction.

4. NVC Enhances Personal Relationships

ADHD-related challenges – such as forgetfulness or emotional sensitivity – can create friction in personal relationships. 

Partners, friends, or family members may feel unappreciated or misunderstood if there aren’t established systems to aid with memory, follow-through, or accountability.

There also might be fundamental communication differences as neurodivergent folks often require accurate, clear, and succinct communication from those around them.

• Why NVC Helps: By focusing on expressing feelings and needs without blame, NVC fosters clarity and open and honest communication – creating a safe space for connection.

• Example: Instead of, “You never help around the house,” try, “When household tasks pile up, I feel stressed because I need support. Can we create a schedule together?”

Supporting Evidence: Research from the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) emphasizes that clear, nonjudgmental communication improves relationship satisfaction, particularly in families affected by ADHD.

5. NVC Supports Boundary-Setting

Setting boundaries is crucial for ADHDers to manage their time, energy, and focus. 

However, communicating boundaries can feel intimidating – especially when contending with rejection sensitivity.

Remember that boundaries aren’t a punishment: they’re a clear communication of your limits so you can stay fully engaged in a relationship.

• Why NVC Helps: NVC provides a framework to assert boundaries respectfully and clearly, minimizing misunderstandings and fostering mutual respect.

• Example: Instead of overcommitting to a project, say, “I’m unable to take on additional tasks this week because I need to focus on current deadlines. Let’s pull out our calendars now and set a time to revisit this next week.”

Supporting Evidence: Boundary-setting using NVC principles reduces burnout and improves work-life balance, according to studies from the American Psychological Association (APA).

6. NVC Encourages Self-Advocacy

For ADHD professionals, advocating for accommodations or support in the workplace can feel daunting. Fear of being judged or misunderstood often prevents folks from speaking up.

• Why NVC Helps: NVC empowers you to express your needs in a way that feels authentic and non-confrontational. It also prevents you from oversharing things that are not directly related to the topic at hand.

• Example: “I’ve noticed I work best with clear deadlines and structured timelines. Can we explore ways to incorporate more structure into our project management process?”

Supporting Evidence: The Journal of Vocational Behavior reports that self-advocacy skills increase job satisfaction and performance for employees with ADHD.

7. NVC Promotes Growth Mindset

A growth mindset—the belief that challenges are opportunities to learn and improve—is essential for personal and professional development. Nonviolent communication aligns perfectly with growth mindset because it always includes accountability and a method for change/improvement.

• Why NVC Helps: By reframing challenges as opportunities for collaboration and learning, NVC fosters resilience and optimism.

• Example: After receiving constructive feedback, respond with curiosity: “Thank you for sharing this feedback. Can we discuss ways I can improve moving forward?”

Supporting Evidence: A study in Psychological Science found that individuals who embrace a growth mindset experience higher levels of resilience and adaptability.

Practical Tips for Implementing NVC

1. Practice Active Listening: Focus fully on the speaker without planning your response. Summarize what they’ve said to confirm understanding.

2. Use “I” Statements: Frame your feelings and needs from your perspective rather than assigning blame (e.g., “I feel… because I need…”).

3. Role-Play Scenarios: Practice NVC techniques in low-stakes situations to build confidence for more challenging conversations.

4. Seek Feedback: Ask trusted colleagues or friends to provide feedback on how you communicate and how it’s received.

5. Engage in Training: Consider taking a workshop or reading books on NVC to deepen your understanding and skills.

Final Thoughts

Nonviolent communication isn’t just a static communication method; it’s a mindset that prioritizes empathy, connection, and mutual respect. 

For ADHDers, mastering NVC can transform how you navigate both personal and professional relationships. 

By fostering clarity, reducing misunderstandings, and building trust, NVC empowers you to create stronger, more fulfilling connections.

Citations

1. Psychological Science. (2021). The role of structured communication in emotional regulation. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/home/pss

2. Journal of Communication. (2023). Empathy as a foundation for effective workplace communication. Retrieved from https://academic.oup.com/joc

3. Harvard Business Review. (2022). Conflict resolution strategies for professional environments. Retrieved from https://hbr.org

4. National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). (2022). Improving family communication through nonviolent practices. Retrieved from https://www.nami.org

5. American Psychological Association. (2023). The impact of boundary-setting on mental health. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org

6. Journal of Vocational Behavior. (2022). Self-advocacy and job performance in adults with ADHD. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com