About Cuffing Season, Trauma Bonds, and Building Healthy Connections

As the days grow shorter and the chill of winter sets in, many of us find ourselves craving connection. 

We want cheesy movies and warm snuggles and tender words (and hot sex) and all the soft cozy relationship things that come along with the winter months.

This phenomenon, often called “cuffing season,” describes the seasonal trend of people seeking companionship to stave off loneliness during the colder seasons. 

While there’s nothing wrong with desiring closeness, the rush to form relationships during this time can sometimes lead us to overlook important red flags – or to rush into intense bonds that we later regret.

When we add trauma into the mix, the dynamics of these relationships can become even more complicated. 

I mean, part of the reason we seek out cozy relationships in the winter is because we’re all dealing with

1. Seasonal Depression
2. Family of origin trauma
3. Religious trauma
4. Financial stress
5. Body shame and internalized fat phobia (New Year, New You????)
6. All of the above

Logically, relational connection in the present helps distract from the emotional pain of the past.

And the dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins of New Relationship Energy don’t hurt either.

But before you rush in to your next snuggle sesh, let’s really dive into:

• Why cuffing season is even a thing
• Why queer people are more prone to fast and furious intense relationships (you’ve heard of U-hauling, right?)
• The difference between Trauma Bonding and Trauma Hardship Bonding
• Power and control in romantic relationships – and how trauma bonding and trauma hardship bonding can impact those developing dynamics
• Green flags in healthy relationships
• How to develop and nurture healthy relationships during cuffing season

Understanding Cuffing Season

Cuffing season isn’t just a playful term; it reflects a real pattern in human behavior. 

The colder months often bring about feelings of isolation, with fewer outdoor activities and social gatherings to keep us connected. This natural shift can make people yearn for intimacy, comfort, and companionship.

While the desire for connection is universal, the urgency of cuffing season can sometimes push us toward forming relationships quickly—even if they’re not built on solid foundations. 

This rush can increase the likelihood of entering bonds that may feel emotionally intense but are not necessarily healthy or sustainable.

This is especially true among queer people: the holiday months can be especially tough because they bring up family of origin or attachment wounds, religious trauma, and many other emotional injuries.

Often, if two queer folks get together during cuffing season, their shared adversities around queerness create an even more intense sense of connection.

You feel validated in your queer experience even if the person in front of you isn’t the healthiest partner – or if you’re repeating old attachment wounds and regressive behavioral patterns because there’s comfort in familiarity.

If you’ve ever seen the movie Duck Butter, you know what I’m talking about.

However, the problem here is that we’ve been calling the phenomenon of bonding over shared experiences and similar traumas Trauma Bonding, and that’s an inaccurate term.

What queer folks really have been doing is Trauma Hardship Bonding.

So, together, we’re going to discern the difference and learn how sometimes one can lead to the other.

What Is Trauma Bonding, Really?

Trauma Bonding is a term used to describe a deep emotional attachment that develops in abusive relationships. 

This bond forms through cycles of harm and reconciliation, where an abusive partner alternates between cruelty and affection. Over time, this pattern creates a powerful connection, leaving the victim feeling dependent on their partner despite the harm they endure.

These bonds are often sustained by manipulation tactics like gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and isolation followed by periods of intense love bombing. 

The victim may mistake the intense highs and lows of the relationship for passion or love. 

Or say something to the effect of “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” or “the pain is worth the pleasure.”

That’s a big ol’ NOPE.

In reality, the relationship is built on control and dependency, not on mutual respect and care. 

Trauma bonding can lead to severe emotional and psychological harm, making it incredibly challenging for victims to break free.

Trauma Hardship Bonding: A Gray Area

On the other hand, Trauma Hardship Bonding occurs when two people connect over shared traumatic experiences or life challenges. 

For example, partners might bond over a similar coming out experience, dealing with past abuse, or coping with grief. These relationships often feel validating and supportive because both partners understand each other’s pain in a unique way.

While trauma hardship bonding isn’t inherently unhealthy, it can become problematic if the relationship revolves solely around shared suffering. 

The beginning of the relationship is built on shared connection over past traumas rather than building a strong foundation that incorporates joy, play, and exploration of the present version of each partner.

Often, relationships built on trauma hardship bonding move out of the honeymoon phase and the couple discovers they don’t even really know or like each other because they were so focused on their similar past experiences.

Worse still, if power dynamics shift—with one partner beginning to non-consensually or harmfully dominate or manipulate the other partner (not cute, consensual BDSM domination) —trauma hardship bonding can evolve into actual trauma bonding.

When Trauma Hardship Bonding Turns Harmful

A relationship rooted in shared hardship may start off as supportive but can take a harmful turn under certain conditions. 

Here’s how trauma hardship bonding can lead to trauma bonding and even abuse:

1. Power Imbalances Emerge: One partner may start to take on a more controlling, aggressive, or harmful role, either consciously or unconsciously – using their partner’s vulnerabilities to exert control.

2. Dependency Develops: The mutual support that initially brought the couple together may shift to one-sided dependency, where one partner feels unable to function without the other. This is what we call enmeshment, which can lead to codependence.

3. Manipulation and Control: Over time, one partner may exploit the other’s trauma to maintain control, using tactics like guilt-tripping or withholding affection to reinforce dependency.

These dynamics are often subtle at first but can escalate, creating a toxic cycle that escalates trauma hardship bonding into actual trauma bonding. 

Once a relationship reaches this stage, it becomes increasingly difficult to break free due to the emotional intensity of the bond.

Power and Control in Relationships

Power and control dynamics are central to understanding both trauma bonding and its precursors. 

The LGBTQIA+ Power and Control Wheel, a widely used tool in relational health education, outlines various ways these dynamics can manifest in abusive relationships, including:

• Emotional Manipulation: Using guilt, shame, gaslighting or fear to maintain relational control. Essentially, the abuser keeps their partner emotionally off-kilter and then swoops in to offer the stability and support their partner seeks.
• Isolation: Cutting off a partner from friends, family, or other support systems. 
• Economic Abuse: Controlling access to finances or resources.

These tactics not only perpetuate unhealthy relationships but also deepen the emotional attachment. 

Over time, the abuser exercises increasing coercive control, making it harder for the survivor to leave. 

Characteristics of Healthy Romantic Relationships

In contrast to the unhealthy dynamics of trauma bonding, healthy romantic relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and emotional safety. 

Folks in healthy relationships understand that relationships are additive to their individual lives. They’re whole people independent of the relationship, and the relationship is meant to improve their quality of life without becoming an indicator of their worth as a person.

Here are some key characteristics to look for:

1. Open Communication: Partners feel safe expressing their thoughts, feelings, and needs without fear of judgment or retaliation.

2. Mutual Respect: Both individuals value each other’s autonomy and boundaries.

3. Trust: Honesty, accountability, and reliability form the foundation of the relationship.

4. Equality: Decision-making is shared, and power dynamics are balanced.

5. Support and Growth: Partners encourage each other’s personal growth and celebrate each other’s successes.

6. Healthy Conflict Resolution: Disagreements are addressed constructively, without resorting to manipulation, threats, or aggression.

Navigating Relationships During Cuffing Season

As you navigate the tempting pull of cuffing season, it’s important to approach relationships with intention. 

Here are some tips to help you build healthy connections:

1. Reflect on Your Motivations: Are you seeking companionship out of fear of loneliness, or are you genuinely ready to invest in a meaningful relationship? What does that investment look like? And how do you envision yourself in a relationship?

2. Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries early on, and ensure they are respected. During cuffing season, it’s easy to go from 0 to U-Haul in less than 36 hours. The ease of trauma hardship bonding makes it easy to overlook and ignore setting boundaries – especially if you’re bonding over rejection and abandonment. But truly – to have a healthy relationship, parts of you have to stay yours. So, how do you keep time for yourself? What parts of you stay yours? When’s the last time you hung out with your friends – by yourself?

3. Pay Attention to Red Flags: Be vigilant for signs of manipulation, control, or emotional dependency. This can look like love bombing, being overly-dependent on coregulation, or making you responsible for your new partner’s emotional stability.

4. Seek Support: If you’ve experienced trauma or are noticing continued discomfort or harmful patterns in your relationships, consider working with a therapist to unpack past experiences and develop healthier relational patterns.

The Path to Healthy Love

Cuffing season offers a natural opportunity to connect with others, but it’s vital to prioritize your emotional health and well-being in the process. 

By understanding the differences between trauma bonding and trauma hardship bonding – and by cultivating the characteristics of healthy relationships – you can intentionally nurture and develop meaningful, fulfilling connections.

Remember, love should feel like a safe harbor—a place where you are celebrated for who you are, not exploited for your vulnerabilities. 

If you find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t align with these values, know that support is available. Whether through therapy, trusted friends, or resources like The National Domestic Violence Hotline, help is within reach.

This cuffing season, may your connections bring warmth, joy, and mutual respect—not just for the winter months, but for the seasons of life to come.